My cat gives me a boner
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize