you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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