I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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