it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
