Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
