Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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