I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
