i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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