Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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