We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize