I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize