I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
