I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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