never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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