I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
