she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
