i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
