amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
