He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
