I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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