Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
