So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
