I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Randomize
