My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
