Do you still have your period?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
