also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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