if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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