It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
