Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
