just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
