I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
