remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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