Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
