our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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