I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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