ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
