just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
