Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize