last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
