Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
