1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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