I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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