Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
