i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
