I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
