I cannot find my penis.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
