I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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