dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
