I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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