I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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