i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize