i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
