i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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