remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
