if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
