I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
