There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
