my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize