Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
