his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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