I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
