My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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