dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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